Continuing Bonds in Grief: Staying Connected in Healthy, Meaningful Ways
One of the most persistent myths about grief is that healing requires “letting go” of the person who has died. Traditionally, grief was seen as a process of detachment and “moving on.” However, modern research and lived experience tell a different story. Staying connected to a loved one after loss is not only normal but often essential for healing.
The Continuing Bonds model, developed by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman in the 1990s, reshaped how we understand grief. It recognizes that while someone may no longer be physically present, our relationship with them continues in new and meaningful ways.
In this blog, we’ll explore the concept of continuing bonds and the four key ways we stay connected to loved ones after loss.
What Are Continuing Bonds?
The Continuing Bonds theory challenges the idea that “closure” means severing ties with the deceased. Klass, Silverman, and Nickman argued that grief is not about “moving on” but “moving forward” with the person’s memory, values, and influence as part of our lives.
We don’t simply “forget” those we’ve lost. Instead, we find ways to maintain a connection—whether through memories, rituals, or actions that honor their presence. This continuing relationship evolves over time and is unique to each individual.
For many people, these bonds provide comfort, meaning, and a sense of guidance as they navigate life without their loved one’s physical presence.
Four Ways We Maintain Continuing Bonds
1. Holding on to Memories
One of the most natural and common ways we maintain bonds with the deceased is through memories. Memories keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds, reminding us of shared experiences, laughter, and love.
- Storytelling – Sharing stories about the person keeps their spirit alive. Whether it’s reminiscing with family or telling friends about their quirks, it’s a way to celebrate their life.
- Personal Reflection – Private moments of remembering, like looking at photos, visiting significant places, or replaying fond memories, allow us to feel close to them.
- Symbolic Objects – Holding onto items like jewelry, letters, or clothing can serve as tangible connections to the person and the memories attached to them.
Example: A daughter may keep a quilt her mother made, finding comfort in the memories of warmth and care it represents.
2. Continuing Their Legacy
Continuing bonds often involve carrying forward the values, passions, or dreams of the deceased. This can be a powerful way to honor their life and ensure their impact continues.
- Advocacy and Charitable Work – Supporting causes or organizations that were meaningful to the person keeps their values alive.
- Living Their Teachings – Embracing lessons they taught, such as kindness, resilience, or integrity, allows their wisdom to continue shaping your life.
- Carrying on Traditions – Continuing family traditions, hobbies, or routines they enjoyed is a way to honor their role in your life.
Example: A husband who loses his wife to cancer may start a foundation in her name, raising awareness and funding for cancer research.
3. Rituals and Symbolic Practices
Rituals play a significant role in maintaining continuing bonds. These practices provide a space for remembrance, connection, and emotional expression.
- Anniversaries and Special Dates – Marking birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays with meaningful rituals keeps their memory alive. This could include lighting a candle, visiting their grave, or cooking their favorite meal.
- Personal Rituals – Some people create daily or weekly rituals, such as writing letters to the deceased, talking to them in prayer, or keeping a dedicated space for remembrance at home.
- Community Rituals – Participating in collective acts of mourning, such as memorial services or charity events, can strengthen bonds while fostering connection with others who share similar experiences.
Example: A mother may celebrate her child’s birthday each year by donating toys to a children’s charity, transforming grief into a meaningful act of love.
4. Imagined Conversations and Inner Connections
Even after death, the relationship with a loved one continues internally. We often carry their voice, advice, and presence with us, shaping our decisions and actions.
- Imagined Conversations – It is common to “talk” to the deceased in your mind. Whether it’s seeking their guidance, sharing news, or expressing emotions, these inner conversations maintain a sense of closeness.
- Feeling Their Presence – Some people feel comforted by a sense of the person’s continued presence, whether through dreams, signs, or a deep inner connection.
- Guidance and Influence – The deceased may live on as an “inner mentor,” guiding decisions based on what they valued or believed.
Example: A person who loses their father may “hear” his voice when making a tough decision, asking, “What would Dad say?” and finding wisdom in the imagined response.
Why Continuing Bonds Are Healthy
Continuing bonds challenge the outdated notion that grief requires “detaching” from the deceased. Klass, Silverman, and Nickman showed that maintaining bonds is not about being “stuck” in grief but about finding healthy, adaptive ways to keep the person a part of your life.
For many, these bonds offer:
- Comfort and Connection – Staying connected reduces feelings of loneliness and helps grievers feel supported.
- A Sense of Meaning – Continuing their legacy provides purpose and direction.
- Integration of Loss – Rather than “getting over” grief, continuing bonds help integrate the loss into the ongoing story of your life.
It’s important to note that continuing bonds look different for everyone. For some, it may be about quiet remembrance, while for others, it’s about action and advocacy. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to maintain these connections—only what feels meaningful and healing to you.
Final Thoughts: Connection Beyond Loss
Grief does not end when the funeral is over or when society says it “should.” The Continuing Bonds theory reminds us that love doesn’t die with the person; it transforms. Whether through memories, rituals, legacy, or inner connection, staying connected to loved ones is a normal and healing part of the grieving process.
If you are navigating grief, know that it’s okay to hold on to those you’ve lost in meaningful ways. Their presence can continue to shape your life, offering comfort, guidance, and inspiration as you move forward.
At Centre Wellness, we understand that grief is a journey, not a destination. Our compassionate therapists can help you explore continuing bonds, process your emotions, and find ways to carry your loved one with you as you heal. To learn more about how our therapists can help you process grief head here. Contact us today to book an appointment and receive the support you need.
